After almost two years of celibacy I now feel ready to share my experience in the hope that someone somewhere might be able to take something from in it order to better their life in whatever way they need. Sex before celibacy for me was when I look back at it was a bit of a let down if I am honest but obviously at the time I didn’t know this, ironically it took me two years of not having sex to learn exactly what I wanted in the bedroom. When I look back I never had any "bad" sexual experiences but I definitely didn’t have loads of amazing ones.
When I was younger I battled with body hang ups so much, I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that sex always terrified me. The thought of been intimate with another person really scared me and for a long time stop me from having sex. Every now and again when I did start seeing someone, we'd have sex and if I am honest it very rarely enjoyed it, I was too wrapped up in my own insecurities to fully let go and enjoy the experience.
Relationships with a string of incompatible boyfriends who in retrospect were not good for me, as I couldn’t communicate with them properly on any level always left me craving more emotionally and sexually. When I look back at some of those relationships I also recall often sleeping with the guys for all the wrong reasons. Countless times I slept with certain people because they wanted sex, I felt obliged to because I wanted to make them happy, I wanted to do what a 'good girlfriend' was supposed to. Numinous evenings I remember thinking "let's just get it over and done with" knowing that sex there and then would lead to more peaceful less persistant man. There were also times when I slept with guys because I so badly wanted them to like me that I ignorantly thought that having sex would make them fall madly in love with me. How wrong I was. This often lead to lies, more sex and then a vanishing act on his part. I also always felt a lot of external pressure, everything was sexualised, everyone in the media was having sex, everyone around me was having sex, or seemed to be and seemed to expect me to do the same. I needed to be doing the same right? Wrong. I wasn’t comfort in my own body, I wasn’t comfortable with these sexual partners. This was not a combination that was every going to end well.
I spent a long time doubting myself, questioning myself; What is wrong with me? Why don’t I enjoy sex like other girls? What is wrong with my sex drive? These thoughts continued for ages and really got me down which once again added to insecurities within my relationships. A few years ago I was sat with friends moaning about how luboracous sex had been the night before and speaking frankly about how I had felt next to no pleasure, didn’t have any desire to switch things up and make things more exciting – I just wanted it to be over. At that precise moment in time, I had a revelation. I announced to my friends that I was going to try celibacy for a while. After all it couldn’t be worse than the string of rubbish guys, unsatisfying connections and distinctly average sex id been putting myself through could it?
Days after proudly announcing my decision to my friends I sat quietly with my thoughts – I didn’t even know what celibacy was exactly! After some online research I smiled, I was content with my decision, I was excited for what lied ahead of me. I wasn’t going to have sex or be intimate with another person again for the foreseeable future.
I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. I learnt so much about myself in that time. At first celibacy was difficult – when you give something up it's all you think about isn't it. I wanted to sleep with every guy I came across and both my days and nights were filled with sexual fantasies. All I could think about was sex.
As I worked my way through this phase and I thought about sex less and less, I started to notice a difference within myself, I had the space to work on accepting myself, my appearance and slowly started to feel comfortable in my own skin. Not chasing around after guys that weren't worth my time, energy and attention led to me having a really fulfilled life, I was busy on a journey of self discovery and learning - I loved it. I wasn’t relying on anyone else for my own happiness, I wasn't needing validation from anyone, I was alone and very happy about it.
Whilst celibate I learnt so much about myself, about energy and about what I needed in my sex life. I had so many personal realisations in this time;
For me one of the first things I realised is that I needed deep connections with sexual partners. A few of my friends could sleep with guys they barely knew and would really enjoy the experience. It's not the same for me, I have to know the guy well enough to be able to be myself around him, to be comfort around him. Sex is an opportunity for us to come into our feminine energy entirely and should leave us feeling good about ourselves. If the guy I am with can't facilitate this, is he really the guy I should be sleeping with? No man I can't connect with on a deep level is going to able to cater to this need of mine.
Realising that guys don’t have the same emotional attachment to sex as me was a massive learning curve too. In the past I have spent so long wishing guys would open up to me hoping that sex would aid this when in reality they don’t need to be emotionally invested in the same way I do. I was always left emotionally unsatisfied, listening to my inner voice that would relay awful messages of self doubt and not been good enough to me. The inner monologue is so different now my attitude towards sex has changed.
The longer I was celibate the more I became aware of sexual energy and how I had been so ignorant to it before. When I was having sex with people I was blissfully unaware of the fact that I was sharing their energy. In fact I was carrying their energy inside me, I was becoming their energy. When I think about it like that I freak out – My energy field with blurring into a mix of the people I was sexual connecting too and quite honestly not all of those people had energies I wanted, needed or benefited from.
When I look back at the times when I slept with people because they wanted sex and I felt obliged I cannot be more grateful for the realisation that my feminine energy is the most incredible, precious, powerful gift. I know understand that letting men take my power when they want is not okay, it should be my choice. Its my energy, I get to decide when I share it and who with.
When I look back at my time of celibacy I cannot explain how unbelievably rewarding it has been. There were times when it was challenging, I doubted myself, I got confused at times, it was lonely and at times I lost my way but I learnt so much. The union of two people in the mist sharing sexual energy is an incredible thing, it’s a time when our female energy can be completely free but being celibate made me realise how I had to atune my energy first, I had to get clear on who I was and what I wanted before. When you give up sex, give up chasing other people and stop craving connections with them you start to build a relationship with yourself, you start to realise how unique, special and damn right precious you are.