INTIMACY AND WHY I'M SO SCARED OF IT
Intimacy. F$ck – it terrifies me. Even the idea of just writing this piece, being so god damn open and vulnerable to others scares me, but deep down I know I need to share this in order to move forward and perhaps show others that they aren't alone.
To explain how I feel right now, I need to give you some context;
I spent my late teens/earlier 20's having sex with the type of guys that if you had a daughter (maybe you do have a daughter) you would freak out over/and ban from coming over. They were the fun, defiant, party lovin', hedonistic, free spirited kind of guys.
Then I got into a relationship with one of the most fun, defiant, party lovin', hedonistic and free spirited guys I know. How was that? Intense. Full of love. But also full of really dark controlling narcissism. It was really, really messy. If I'm honest I still haven't made sense of it all but let me tell you one thing I know for definite – I loved this guy with EVERY cell of my being.
The break up was hideous – it literally broke me.
In the months that followed I was too busy rebuilding what he had torn apart to even consider being intimate with anyone else.
After a while I decided I didn't even need intimacy and that I would become celibate.
Fast forward 2 years and I found someone I adored enough to open up to, both emotionally and sexually. Everything was going well....
THEN THE EX BOYFRIEND SHOWED UP!!!!!!
What followed was months of confusion. The man I thought was my soul mate had showed up again, maybe we were soul mates?! It was fun, he made me smile just like before. He made me laugh like no one else can. We spoke about the past and forgave the hurt. Being back in his company felt nice. There was always an elephant in the room though, the inevitable: He still didn’t love me like I loved him, I didn’t blow his mind like how he blew mine, I still wasn’t quite enough.
And now we're here, well a few months on from the inevitable "I don’t think we should see each other anymore" chat. This recent emotional rollercoster has left me feeling some pretty uncomfortable stuff and questioning a lot.
As I sit here writing this, I can feel a dull, numb pain – I was rejected again. I feel really lonely. I feel hurt, not good enough. My vibes are really low and I've fallen out of love with myself both internally and externally. Today I had a realisation, a penny dropped. For years I have connected intimacy with hurt. All those years ago I never realised but I had tied opening up to someone with rejection and pain. I put a lot of work into myself over the past few years, I really tried to figure out who I was, what made me happy and lived in my flow. I dug deep, figured out and forgave a lot but I guess intimacy was just too painful for me to confront. When I look back maybe I've fed myself and others a constant flow of lies and barriers since the heartbreak, in order to try and protect myself. Maybe I was celibate because I was too scared to let anyone in? Maybe I've pushed guys away because I was terrified of getting hurt again? Did I start sleeping with my ex again because I loved him? Because it was familiar? Or was it because for the first time in four years I could be intimate with a guy and I wasn’t scared of being hurt – I had already been hurt. The prospect of his pain wasn’t so scary, I already knew what it would feel like.
Complex and confusing isn't it?! And honestly... I'm not sure I know the truth of any of the above questions. What I do know is that I want to heal the hurt and fall in love with myself again. Part of me is dying to get lost in intimacy with someone but I think it's pretty clear that that cannot be my priority right now. I really believe every woman on this planet deserves to be loved, to be feminine, to be sexual, to feel alive and to feel free. But I also believe that all of those sensibilities stem from self love.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm sharing this, I clearly have work to do, perhaps I'm asking for help, time, guidance, support. Or perhaps I'm sharing this because I know that I’m not the only one to feels these emotions and I’d like to start a conversation. Intimacy is the most beautiful, encapsulating, heart opening connection that can happen to a soul and I no longer want to be scared of it.
Affirmation: I will from this point onwards open my heart to myself, learn to love myself again and slowly trust enough to take my barriers down to intimacy.
💕This article was written months ago when all the emotions were very raw, I’ve had time to comprehend and unpack the emotional pain and I am feeling so much better now. I am starting to understand that non of what happened was my fault. It was never a question of me being worthy or good enough for his love and validation. It was however, a situation that I was meant to learn and grow from. More about what I learnt on my journey of healing and how I rediscovered self – love will be shared in future articles. Stay tuned.💕